Ok clandestine cruisers and bent metal abusers, life imitates art. Just the other day, our boy Tom Slick was commenting on how the Thunderbolt Grease Slapper wasn't a muscle bike. But now he wants to enter it in a Muscle Bike sprint. Gerty had to laugh because she just traded off the ram's horn bars she had on it for the "Can You Dig It?" ride... Stay tuned we'll see what she comes up with!
Here we are again race fans, at the start of another exciting extravaganza. The Muscle Shoals Bike Sprint is the place for Eliminators, Apollos, Stingrays, Screamers, and Rails to shine in all their cheater slick glory! Speaking of cheater slicks, there's not one but two heavyweight contenders here. Cheater deluxe, the Baron Otto Matic has arrived with a highly modified Cranbrook and our apple pie and home slice, Tom Slick is here with his '53 Spitfire, The Thunderbolt Grease Slapper. These two have met in head to head competition in over a hundred outings and the Baron has yet to beat Tom Slick. So keep your radios tuned right here as we enjoy some sweet rockin soul music straight from the Muscle Shoals Sound Studio. Until the races begin, remember, There's no such word as weak in muscle bike racing, Marigold...
In a rat roddity of events our hero Tom Slick, sweetheart spinner and bow pedal bomber, has actually been leading the field thru the division two brackets and is set to face Murray the Cat on an Eliminator in the final. Baron Otto Matic was disqualified for using a hidden hubmotor to make up for the Cranbrooks lack of speed. The Baron had it hidden under Zipp disk covers but the Cranbrook had no place to hide the batteries so he was wearing a huge backpack. Curious judges discovered the cheater before he ever started a race. So the Thunderbolt Grease Slapper is the only heavyweight to survive through the brackets. There are two divisions divided up by gears. Dérailleur bikes are in bracket one. Single speed, two speed kickbacks and three speed bikes are all in bracket two. Both divisions are single elimination and the winners of the two divisions meet in the final 1/8 mile sprint. Early casualties include all the Stingrays in division two and a lone Krate losing early in division one. A Raleigh Chopper lasted for a few rounds but lost out to a Screamer which in turn lost out to the Eliminator. Tom Slick on the only bike sporting patina and subject to early laughter has silenced the naysayers with his powerful finish. But this in turn has led to much speculation as to what will be included in future muscle bike competitions. It may only be an 1/8th mile but the larger 26" wheel seems to be able to run down opponents who had a quicker launch. Stay tuned for the final coming up soon!
In a major upset our go-to for quick pickup delivery boy, Tom Slick did not win the Muscle Shoals Sprite cup! Well he did but then he didn't... It was really something to see. The action in the pits afterwards was almost as much fun as the races. Seems many of the true muscle bike teams felt they were at a disadvantage against the Thunderbolt Grease Slapper with it's 26" drive wheel and maybe so but storming the judges table was a bit much. Now, Tom is a great athilete but it took little effort running down the smaller bikes after they jumped out in the lead, even though Gerty would say he worked harder. Really, the racers who laughed at first had no problem when he entered, but they sure did when he won. So in an effort to mend fences, showing a big heart and a lot of love for the sport, Tom gave the cup back and withdrew from the event. Ya gotta give the guy credit, but in his own words... " There's no such thing as justified when it comes to winning an event, Marigold." And so, dragging Gerty Growler out of the pit row scuffle, with a check he'll never cash for the entry fee refund, our hero fades into the sunset like a red into golden yellow paint job on a cute little muscle bike.
Calling all paperboys! The next event for the Thunderbolt Grease Slapper is a competitive newspaper delivery showdown. Two bundles of papers and ten blocks of houses, featuring barking attack dogs, uneven pavement and fenced in yards. Points for accuracy on the porch throw, outrunning the dogs while fence jumping and overall elapsed time. Gerty Growler has the Grease Slapper back at her garage getting it outfitted and Tom is practicing his newspaper folding. Remember there's no such thing as bad press in the newspaper business, Marigold.
Ever find and old microphone and wonder, "What can I do with this?" Well with the addition of a section of red reflector lense and an LED light bar from the bargain rack at Menards, you too can assemble your own funky retro taillight. Don't forget to hot glue it all in place before you put the back cover on. You could even drill a hole in the back for the push button switch. Surprisingly bright, 3 modes too! On, flashing slow and flashing fast. Don't be left in the dark. Build yourself one today!
Your results may vary. batteries may or may not fit into your enclosure
an additional cord may be needed to a remote location (sold separately)
Our underground photographer has unearthed this driveway mockup of the Thunderbolt Grease Slapper paperboy conversion... We're getting close to the event, and remember, "There are no such thing as pitstops when you're rolling on a paper route, Marigold!"
Here we are race fans with the next Edition of "What's Tom Slick up to?" The answer to that is The Double Daily Paperboy Challenge, co-sponsored by The Daily Planet of Metropolis and The Daily Bugle from Queens. (That's a DC / Marvel crossover fo' sho'!) Down through the years paperboys all over have had to deal with all sorts of obstacles. Dogs, fences, curbs and traffic. Day one will be dogged sprints with paper tosses, accuracy counts. Papers gotta land on the porch. More will be revealed as the race unfolds... and remember, "There's no such thing as Dog Gone in newspaper delivery, Marigold!"
According to Tom, there's 3 kinds of dogs paperboys have to deal with. Yippee little ankle biters that are easy to outrun, chase dogs that will run after you and try to bite you and the stealthy guard dogs who lie in wait for an unsuspecting mailman or paperboy to step into their territory (trouble) For the purpose of the Double Daily Paperboy Challenge, dogs will be simulated with proximity alarms and timed responses are factored in with the target accuracy quotients, 3 pts for on the porch, 2 pts for in the bushes and 1 pt for in the yard. 25 papers are to be delivered with a random ordered 5 stealth dogs, 7 chase dogs and 6 ankle biters. 10 pts for every dog evaded. To evade a dog, racers have to get away from the proximity alarm within a designated amount of time. 10 seconds for "ankle biters", 20 seconds for "chase dogs" (with a longer reaching proximity alarm) and they have only 3 seconds to get 10 feet away from the "stealth dog" alarm. A perfect score would be 255 pts. Dogged Sprints to begin soon. Pit crews are also ready to prep the bikes for the next stage of the race, Timed Neighborhood Rally, which includes curbed turns, potholes, alley gravel, fenced in jumps and pop-up traffic.